"Who's on First?" is not so easy as, say, "Casey at the Bat" to parody, but with a little help from a trio of real baseball players named (Mike) Dunne, (Randy) Ready, and (Jim) Gott, a gifted columnist, Mike Downey of the Los Angeles Times, was able to burlesque the burlesque.
Ready or Not, It's Time We Got Started
Mike Downey
You think Pete Rose got a National League umpire angry? You should have seen Larry Bowa and Jim Leyland.
The San Diego Padres came to bat against the Pittsburgh Pirates the other day, with no leadoff man. The plate umpire went up to Bowa, the Padres manager, and said, "Need a batter here."
Bowa said: "He's still in the clubhouse. Be out in a minute."
The umpire waited a few minutes, then asked impatiently: "Well, where is he?"
Bowa said: "Hold on. He's almost here."
Umpire: C'mon, we ain't got all day. Get whoever it is out here.
Bowa: My first batter's Ready.
Umpire: Good.
Bowa: He'll be out in a minute.
Umpire: I thought you said he was ready.
Bowa: I did.
Umpire: Then let's get started.
Bowa: We can't until my batter gets here.
Umpire: You said he was here.
Bowa: Who?
Umpire: Your batter.
Bowa: He's still in the clubhouse.
Umpire: I don't understand. Is your batter ready or isn't he?
Bowa: Yes.
Umpire: Yes, what?
Bowa: He's Ready.
Umpire: Then let's play ball.
Bowa: But he's still in the clubhouse.
Umpire: Who's still in the clubhouse?
Bowa: My batter.
Umpire: I don't understand this at all.
Bowa: Wait. I'll be right back.
Umpire: Where do you think you're going?
Bowa: To the clubhouse to get Ready.
Umpire: For what?
Bowa: For the game.
Umpire: You're going to get ready?
Bowa: Yes.
Umpire: And what about your batter?
Bowa: That's why I'm going.
Umpire: Why?
Bowa: To get my batter.
Umpire: Where?
Bowa: In the clubhouse.
Umpire: What's in the clubhouse?
Bowa: My batter.
Umpire: So the reason you're going to the clubhouse is....?
Bowa: To get Ready.
The Padre manager disappeared into the tunnel. The Pirate pitcher, meanwhile, stiffened up waiting for the first batter, so Jim Leyland went to the mound. The manager talked to his pitcher for a very long time, until the umpire finally had to intervene.
Umpire: Your pitcher's done?
Leyland: Yes.
Umpire: OK. Who are you bringing in?
Leyland: To do what?
Umpire: To pitch.
Leyland: Maybe nobody.
Umpire: I thought you said your pitcher's done.
Leyland: I did.
Umpire: Well, is he or isn't he?
Leyland: Yes.
Umpire: He is what?
Leyland: He's Dunne.
Umpire: Then you're bringing in a relief pitcher?
Leyland: I don't know yet.
Umpire: Look, this guy here is done, right?
Leyland: Right.
Umpire: So you're going to bring in a relief pitcher.
Leyland: I'm still thinking about it.
Umpire: Your starting pitcher is done, right?
Leyland: Right.
Leyland: Right.
Umpire: He's out of the game?
Leyland: No, he's standing right here.
Umpire: Who's standing right here?
Leyland. My starting pitcher. He's Dunne.
Umpire: Then take him out.
Leyland: But I might leave him in.
Umpire: Make up your mind!
Leyland: Actually, I was just stalling until I got one of my relief pitchers up.
Umpire: You were?
Leyland: Yeah.
Umpire: Got one?
Leyland: What?
Umpire: Got a relief pitcher?
Leyland: Yes, he is.
Umpire: Who is?
Leyland: Gott.
Umpire: Got what?
Leyland: He's one of my relief pitchers.
Umpire: Let me get this straight. Your starting pitcher's done?
Leyland: Yes.
Umpire: And your relief pitcher?
Leyland: Just got up in the bullpen.
Umpire: And the one you want?
Leyland: Gott.
Umpire: Got the one you want.
Leyland: Yes.
Umpire: You want this one here?
Leyland: No, he's done.
Umpire: Let me try this one more time. You're bringing in a new pitcher?
Leyland: Yes.
Umpire: The one you've got up in the bullpen.
Leyland: Yes, I think he's ready.
Umpire: I thought he was the batter!
Bowa and Leyland were suspended for 30 days.
Bowa and Leyland were suspended for 30 days.
Joy in Mudville: The Big Book of Baseball Humor, Dick Shaap & Mort Gerberg (eds.)
Copyright 1992 by Dick Shaap & Mort Gerberg
Published by Doubleday
Image: Three Umpires, by Norman Rockwell
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